None too soon…

•September 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I felt the echo of his voice,

Vibrating the air with that solemn goodbye.

The burden I carried all long,

The inevitable end that came none too soon.

Shedding dry tears,

I bid back the harsh words.

As I turned my back,

I vowed never again.

The story has come full circle,

Nevertheless all so suddenly.

Emptiness I felt not,

For the bittersweet memories preserve me.

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virtue

•August 19, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Patience is a learned virtue…so is forgiveness, perhaps even more potent in its degree of difficulty. How do you find it in your heart to forgive grave mistakes, the scarred past, the damaged emotions evoked. To error is to human and everyone deserves second chances. Maybe we should not be so harsh and quick to judge when we ourselves may likely one day be in the position to be forgiven, then what? Before seeking forgiveness elsewhere, we must first forgive ourselves, which may be the hardest hurdle to cross. Often in our hearts, we hold on to that acute sensation of betrayal and let it lead our lives by the pinkie. The past must not be forgotten, but at the same time it should not be put a pedestal to be forcibly worshipped to perversely hurt ourselves. Pain is not always gain…it is a precious lesson.

living in the moment…

•August 18, 2008 • 1 Comment

Sometimes…don’t you just want to live vagariously? Maybe for once, lets just disobey the rules and enjoy the moment.  How far can you take that careless joy? How long can you enjoy that freedom of having no consequences? no…no, there are always consequences, however subtle, however delayed.  I’ve been wondering that lately and perhaps dabbing in the art of being vagarious.  I’m not doing anything illegal or harmful (I think), but I’ve never just “lived” for the moment and nothing else.  Sometimes I wonder if I live for other people, live as another, where my true self is buried deep beneath this facade, this life of another. I don’t mean to say you can just live at large without sparing a thought to consequences, but at the same time my life feels so restricted by the invisible boundaries that have always governed my life.  After examining both sides, I feel somewhat lost as to where does my true self lie, neither here nor there, perhaps both places at once, perhaps neither, perhaps altogether different.  For the moment, I decided to live for the moment, for myself, for the pursuit of happiness that I feel is always quite evasive, yet close within reach.

“home” home

•May 24, 2008 • 1 Comment

Memorial Day holiday weekend: I’m back home for the long weekend (few precious days of no work).  Traffic wasn’t that bad now that school’s out and most people are either home or working. Also, I probably missed the peak of the downtown traffic whenever I was going through it.

I feel exhausted.  Working for 7 hours, then driving for 3 hours make a long day.  I wish I could like work more, but in the end, the only satisfaction I’m deriving from this is that I’m not being idle and I’m getting paid for my efforts.  My potentials and skills are buried, possibly forcibly ignored, I don’t quite feel the drive anymore because there are obviously no opportunities for growth despite the opposite that was said during the interview. Who ever heard of “fairness” does not work for this company.  In the end, I’m just one of many minions that just mean grunt work to the upper management, hardly worth paying attention to, much less nurture. The job market is slow, unemployment is high. Should I just go back to school? Which seems like the perfect answer to this current situation, yet is it really the wisest decision?  Many people do without higher education just fine, but I probably won’t be so lucky.

I’ve made a few good friends, which is always a positive in a seemingly hostile new environment. Relationship wise…maybe I should just throw my hands up and say “oh well”.  There are rare opportunities to go out, and when I do, it’s difficult to meet people or the environment is not conducive to more privacy.

I’m not satisfied on any level of my life right now.  Career wise, I’m only holding a “job”, most definitely not a long-term commitment. On a personal level, I’ve made some improvements with the friends I’ve gained, although I wish my social skills could help me with co-worker relationships.  After college, I thought life would start to look up, but ultimately there’s still much left to be desired.

random thoughts

•April 2, 2008 • 3 Comments

Today I was a on a long drive with someone, needless to say, we had a lot of time to talk, about anything and everything. Some of the topics are still reeling in my head like stars, making me process them overtime in an attempt to understand them better.

Some things in life are perhaps inevitable: maybe we’re born (if we are so lucky), we may have joys, tears, accidents, experience births and death around us, experience passion, love, heartbreaks, time of healing which may not last long at all before another blow comes…the way we treat others, treated by others, the way we care too much (about perfectly inconsequential things) or not at all (about the things or people we should).

So we touched upon many topics, each of which gave me enough brain juice to last a while. While I’m about to embark on a new path in my life, I feel the definite anxiety and excitement that are natural in these circumstances…I’m also weary of the things good or bad that may come with it. Again, they are inevitable.

We must falter and experience the pain of life to taste the sweetness of it afterwards. We live a society guarded by social standards that box us in certain classes. Even without the supposed social classes, we are still clearly defined. We all find our roles and places in society, we all serve a purpose. Sometimes breaking out is not easy nor encouraged for we are safer in the confines of those restrictions. Are those restrictions necessary? Mayhap…because as much as we hate them, we are also protected by them in certain circumstances.

Some say marriage is a necessity, ways of reproduction, not even recreation (anymore). It is what you do when you feel like you have made something of an accomplishment of yourself, after you tied ends to the wild days of youth, and you feel like two is better than one. Such realistic and even somewhat selfish ways of looking at life seem rather…cruel and scary. Maybe I still try on to the illusion of love and marriage that come hand in hand in a neat basket, in reality I’ve known the untruth of that for a long time now, but I still can’t help but feel lost and betrayed. Something else that’s inevitable…the coming of age and loss of innocence.

I don’t feel revolted by the idea or the institution of marriage, but by the way it’s been treated by people, by the examples people have set up to teach us late comers what a bad idea it is. Any illusion of grandeur has been long dispelled by such actions. It’s hard to let them go…but I don’t think cheating myself out of reality is good either. People say everything change after you are married, which has the connotation of something bad. I sincerely hope not.

It is advisable to lose neither one’s financial freedom nor spiritual freedom after marriage. You cannot entirely rely upon another, therefore you must always retain something of yourself in case things don’t go as planned, you won’t lose yourself. The world survives on balance, a marriage is a perfect example of that. When the scale tips, chaos spread, and eventually order must be restored. No one wants to take on the whole world by him/herself, especially in a marriage.

Again, they are all just advice. When it comes reality, things are rarely so uncomplicated and lucid. Sometimes we survive on instinct alone and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel even when there are red blinking signs directing us to it.

my gender-confused cat

•March 14, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Ok…so today I took my cat of 4 months named “Kiki” (a name that was formed after much debate among my roommates) to the vet…AND we find out “she” is actually a “he”. Imagine my surprise! Well, “he” is a long-haired gray-white cat whom we’ve always assumed is a girl since we couldn’t locate the um…male part. My roommates and I found him in the apartment complex we were living last semester hanging by the laundry room, meowing his pitiful meow. Actually “he” has been nurtured, that’s why with all the long hair, we couldn’t tell at all even when one of my roommates claiming “he” is a girl because that she’s worked with animals so long, she’d know. Oh well…at least now we know and won’t be calling Kiki a “good girl” anymore…although there seems to be another debate rising about whether I should change his name. Couldn’t “Kiki” be an unisex/androgynous name for a feline?

On the other note, I had my first job interview today (technically it’s the 2nd interview with the same place). I had the interview before I graduated with a recruiter, after which they contacted me again asking if I’m still interested. I informed them that I was leaving for a trip to China, and after I come back I will definitely contact them again which was what I did.  While we were leaving camp this week, I received a call back from the company and set up an appointment today with the supervisor.  I spoke with the supervisor, her boss, and then boss of that boss…hehe, it took over 2 hours. Then I sat with a girl who currently has the job that I’m applying for and chatted with her about her work.  I think it was a very effective interview. Even if I don’t get the job, it’ll be good interviewing experience. I think I asked enough questions to fill an FAQ about the company. ^^

Graduation awaits!

•December 11, 2007 • 2 Comments

This FRIDAY is my college graduation, finally! For all those who’s been there, you know it has been a long and difficult journey…haha, you probably wondered when exactly I’d exit this stage of my life. Oh, believe me, I’ve loved to have moved on long ago, but now I can finally draw a period. Of course, anytime you end with a period, you have to start something new, which is the next big thing that draws my brows together: “life after college”. I don’t know what awaits me, but I certainly hope it’s something I can enjoy more.