penny for your advice

I’m surprised even after almost 3 years of not posting anything, there are still people who visit the blog. Re-reading what I wrote a few entries back, it slightly jogged my memory what I was feeling at the time. In times of troubled thoughts, I pour them here generously, not knowing whether I’ll come to a solution but be comforted by the fact I can write it down. Today’s trouble is something of paramount importance to me, one that will probably change my life significantly depending on the direction I go. Once again, there are other people’s advice involved just like from that one entry 3 years ago, except this time I feel like I can appreciate the advice more.  I’m at a crossroad now that I never thought I would be. Getting married is supposed to be a happy event, a life-changing event, except I’m angry, sad, frustrated and all the colors of the emotional rainbow.  First of, getting married itself is scary, even if you truly love the other person. There are just too many factors..and people involved with marriage.  Trust…small word, big impact. I’m tired of fighting with him about something that the very idea makes me upset.  I don’t know what’s going to happen now, I have to prepare for the worst, which I think I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. I’m tired of crying, tired of yelling and screaming, tired of going in circles, and rehashing about things that’ve been said. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m confused, hurt, and just think I may make the biggest mistake of my life if I agree to it or prevent myself from making the same mistake if I say no. My mind’s shot, blank…it hurts like crazy, not just from crying.  If you’re wondering, it’s not simply saying yes or no to getting married…oh no, it goes beyond that, beyond the two of us. I feel like I’ve lost control a long time ago when the whole wedding planning started. I’ve not been happy at all. I’ve always had to fight my way through every decision, be challenged until I relented, be bothered until I’ve said yes to someone else. It’s not how I imagined wedding planning at all. When I step back now, I feel like the fights have been about the stupid stuff, things that won’t matter 5, or 10 years from now.  I’ve never felt so restrained at all. I think for the most part of my life, I’ve been able to do what I want even if it’s not been supported. I would still do it and prove them wrong. Except this time, I cannot fight on even ground…it’s never been fair to begin with.  I want that freedom back, I want to be able to tell that person to stop trying to control things because it’s none of your business, it’s my business. I only live one life, and I’ve spent the last year fighting like a crazy hyena.  If I live through this ordeal, I will be a better person, I will have grown, I will live to tell the tale. Maybe the outcome won’t be so pleasant now, but I need to make the right decision, the one that my heart tells me to follow.  I can’t hypothesize how things will be, but I can control how it goes right now and I need to take the reigns back…I’ve been in the passenger seat long enough.

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~ by yukina2x on September 20, 2012.

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