As I tossed and turned in bed in an valiant effort to fall back asleep after a phone call interrupted my sleep, my conscious thoughts rush back to me to remind me why I have such a headache.   Events of late have been anything but pleasant.  I have had to put some important personal matters on hold because of other more pressing issues.  For a few days, my thoughts were taken over by the sadness of the events taking place around me, which chased my own sad thoughts out of thought-reach.  Now that other things are starting to fall in place (or just waiting to be determined), my personal matters fell right back in my lap once more.   At first it shocked me that I felt nothing…NOTHING! Not even sadness, one way or the other, I felt naught. My expected reactions concerning the personal matters should’ve been confusion, more sadness, hopelessness, etc…but NOT nothing.  As time progressed (from yesterday), the feelings have gravitated from naught to annoyance that something’s missing, but I have not a clue as to what.   I think I’ve been conditioned to be a worrywart, no matter how enjoyable life is or was at one point, my thoughts always take me away to a place shadowed by doubts as if something’s trying to deceive me by making me feel happy so I would ignore the things that would invariably cause sadness.  Does this feeling of doubt stem from dissatisfaction or simply the belief that happiness is always a short-lived moment?  I don’t know…I’ve been told to live in the moment, I guess that refers to the short-lived happy moment. *sigh* I think I need to face the real problem, a problem someone thinks I bring up because I want to pick a fight.  Like picking a bone in tofu…as the saying goes.  At least to me, it’s a very realistic problem. It’s just at the moment, because of things that take higher priority, this problem has taken a back seat or…maybe permanently. *frown* I wonder what really makes me happy…


~ by yukina2x on June 7, 2009.

2 Responses to “naught”

  1. The bottom line to me is that you should be happy. Being a worrywart is not bad, but if you aren’t happy when good things are happening, then there is a problem; and someone as beautiful and nice as you should at least be happy when good things are happening. You don’t have to live in the moment to emotionally benefit from good things happening around you. And someone who cares would at least try to make you happy when they see you sad (even if they are terrible at it). You have to smile.

  2. hey

    if the current hosting place does not work out

    you can get hosted at

    this is not commercial or something, the site owner hosts for free and u get unlimited space, she also set up wordpress for you…

    i wonder if you are still going to keep the site up, since i like it so much…

    my music review blog is hosted there..

    i always get my downloads from you

    but if you are too busy it is ok

    have a nice summer!

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