epiphany

The dream that’s been plaguing me all day suddenly lit up like Christmas lights.  It was one of those dreams you didn’t want to wake up from, one that was roused by the annoying sound of alarm clock or phone ring, one perfect moment ruined.  The details and sequences of events became more muddled the more I stewed on them.  What frustrated me most is that how could one dream be so perfect, make me so content, yet make absolutely no sense at all?  The subtle messages that my subconscious tries to send me are often lost in translation, but maybe just this time, I realized the meaning behind the metaphors and the riddles.

In the dream, I met this man who to me was a dead-on look-alike to Mark Ruffalo. To me, he always plays the quintessential hopeless romantic, never quite that dashing, yet very down to earth.  I don’t quite understand why it’s him, but I think by now I know that wasn’t an important detail.   Even when I brought up that fact in the dream to him, he shook his head and simply said “no, I’m not him” with a smile on his face that felt like a friendly gesture but not warm.  Naturally I was attracted to his face that reminded me of the perfect guy I imagined for myself.   We met on a bus, though the destination wasn’t clear at that time.  Through a series of events (the details of which I can no longer clearly recall), we became separated and by the time I found him again, I saw him at a distance and suddenly I realized that he was right, he’s nothing like Mark Ruffalo.   I walked pass by him, feeling disappointed but not heartbroken.   Sometime later after that, I came to meet another guy, whose face I cannot clearly remember but the distinct feeling was that he was friendly, always smiling kindly.  His presence was big, warm and fuzzy.  By now I realized that I was heading home, but with the bus I was riding on earlier broken down, how could I get home?  He kindly offered to “fly” me and I asked him “how?” quizzically because I see no plane.  He just said “hop on”.  I did and the next thing I know he had taken off like superman and had turned into a goose (? or some sort of large bird).  The next part seemed senseless to me as I saw that we were flying over the state of Kentucky.  How did I know?  There were many squared shaped restaurants with the words KFC written on them.  I know that doesn’t necessarily mean it was Kentucky nor does it mean that’s all the restaurants Kentucky has (which I’m sure is sooo not true >_<, so please don’t get mad at me).   The point is that we had to stop somewhere to rest or refuel, not sure. I believed we stopped by either a gas station or someone’s place that’s open to the public (like a hostel).  As I walked into the place, I knocked something over and spilled it everywhere.  The owners were very nice about it (I think), but I still felt terrible, so I offered to clean up, at this point, my “pilot” stepped up and offered to clean instead with a big smile on this face.  At that moment, I realized that this guy was willing to do anything for me, go to any distance to make me happy…I felt so warm, the dread that came with the phone ring was so awful, I wanted to never wake up again.

After I woke up, I realized that I did not know either of the man in my dreams, by face nor by feeling, but I still felt that the dream was trying to tell me something.  After retelling the dream to my friend later and then talking to my mom about my current personal relationships, suddenly I clearly saw the message.   There will always be people to whom I’m attracted to at first based on superficial appearances, the front they put up, but I will never know their true selves, and the relationships will never evolve into anything passed the surface.  Things are never what they seem. But then there will be those who are always ready with a warm smile and open arms and be there when I need them the most, and those are the keepers.  The man who literally “carried” me through “thick and thin” in my dreams represents those who will stay in my life.   Be that love or friendships or both, I think it was a valuable reminder to me to find those keepers and bring them closer to my heart.

I felt I’ve never had a clearer epiphany until this dream mystery solved itself, and I’m so happy I finally understood a small part of my subconscious.  It oftens relays subtle but very powerful messages, as this dream demonstrates.   I hope we can all take a moment to reevaluate our relationships and appreciate those who have made an impact on our lives.  Life is too precious to waste a single moment…as I came to realize that sadly.

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~ by yukina2x on April 3, 2009.

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