I’m surprised even after almost 3 years of not posting anything, there are still people who visit the blog. Re-reading what I wrote a few entries back, it slightly jogged my memory what I was feeling at the time. In times of troubled thoughts, I pour them here generously, not knowing whether I’ll come to a solution but be comforted by the fact I can write it down. Today’s trouble is something of paramount importance to me, one that will probably change my life significantly depending on the direction I go. Once again, there are other people’s advice involved just like from that one entry 3 years ago, except this time I feel like I can appreciate the advice more. I’m at a crossroad now that I never thought I would be. Getting married is supposed to be a happy event, a life-changing event, except I’m angry, sad, frustrated and all the colors of the emotional rainbow. First of, getting married itself is scary, even if you truly love the other person. There are just too many factors..and people involved with marriage. Trust…small word, big impact. I’m tired of fighting with him about something that the very idea makes me upset. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, I have to prepare for the worst, which I think I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. I’m tired of crying, tired of yelling and screaming, tired of going in circles, and rehashing about things that’ve been said. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m confused, hurt, and just think I may make the biggest mistake of my life if I agree to it or prevent myself from making the same mistake if I say no. My mind’s shot, blank…it hurts like crazy, not just from crying. If you’re wondering, it’s not simply saying yes or no to getting married…oh no, it goes beyond that, beyond the two of us. I feel like I’ve lost control a long time ago when the whole wedding planning started. I’ve not been happy at all. I’ve always had to fight my way through every decision, be challenged until I relented, be bothered until I’ve said yes to someone else. It’s not how I imagined wedding planning at all. When I step back now, I feel like the fights have been about the stupid stuff, things that won’t matter 5, or 10 years from now. I’ve never felt so restrained at all. I think for the most part of my life, I’ve been able to do what I want even if it’s not been supported. I would still do it and prove them wrong. Except this time, I cannot fight on even ground…it’s never been fair to begin with. I want that freedom back, I want to be able to tell that person to stop trying to control things because it’s none of your business, it’s my business. I only live one life, and I’ve spent the last year fighting like a crazy hyena. If I live through this ordeal, I will be a better person, I will have grown, I will live to tell the tale. Maybe the outcome won’t be so pleasant now, but I need to make the right decision, the one that my heart tells me to follow. I can’t hypothesize how things will be, but I can control how it goes right now and I need to take the reigns back…I’ve been in the passenger seat long enough.
I keep thinking that my life’s going to change or do SOMETHING……but nothing’s happening, I still dream of ha…fairytales (well, just something wonderful and out of this world)…even I’m laughing wryly at that idea. If I feel left out, it’s entirely my fault. I don’t feel “lost” exactly, but my life has no specific directions right now and not at all the way I imagined the way it was going to go. *sigh* IF you had time to complain, then you could’ve had time to do something about it, I bet that’s exactly what you want to say to me, trust me, I’m saying the same thing to myself. It’s just that every time I have an idea of what I want to do, I’m afraid to take that first step, simply afraid…it also doesn’t help people whom you think will back you up do NOT support your ideas, saying that it’s crazy, etc, just negative things, it’s very discouraging. And YES, I know I shouldn’t let what other people say determine the way I live my life, after all, one life’s already too short as it is…I still think in terms of what I “should” do, instead of what I “want” to do…afraid that if I simply followed my gut feelings, I’d fail miserably instead of taking other people’s “advice”. I wish I’d just wake up one day and do what I want to do, not a care for the crap I’ve been listening to, except the “crap” has pretty much brainwashed me. I wish I knew exactly what I have the potential to do and be great at it, that’d just make everything so much easier for everyone. Just now, I feel like I have once again try to digest my thoughts but ended at the beginning again. Yes, another late night ramble that probably makes little sense to anyone but me…how do I begin…
As I tossed and turned in bed in an valiant effort to fall back asleep after a phone call interrupted my sleep, my conscious thoughts rush back to me to remind me why I have such a headache. Events of late have been anything but pleasant. I have had to put some important personal matters on hold because of other more pressing issues. For a few days, my thoughts were taken over by the sadness of the events taking place around me, which chased my own sad thoughts out of thought-reach. Now that other things are starting to fall in place (or just waiting to be determined), my personal matters fell right back in my lap once more. At first it shocked me that I felt nothing…NOTHING! Not even sadness, one way or the other, I felt naught. My expected reactions concerning the personal matters should’ve been confusion, more sadness, hopelessness, etc…but NOT nothing. As time progressed (from yesterday), the feelings have gravitated from naught to annoyance that something’s missing, but I have not a clue as to what. I think I’ve been conditioned to be a worrywart, no matter how enjoyable life is or was at one point, my thoughts always take me away to a place shadowed by doubts as if something’s trying to deceive me by making me feel happy so I would ignore the things that would invariably cause sadness. Does this feeling of doubt stem from dissatisfaction or simply the belief that happiness is always a short-lived moment? I don’t know…I’ve been told to live in the moment, I guess that refers to the short-lived happy moment. *sigh* I think I need to face the real problem, a problem someone thinks I bring up because I want to pick a fight. Like picking a bone in tofu…as the saying goes. At least to me, it’s a very realistic problem. It’s just at the moment, because of things that take higher priority, this problem has taken a back seat or…maybe permanently. *frown* I wonder what really makes me happy…
The dream that’s been plaguing me all day suddenly lit up like Christmas lights. It was one of those dreams you didn’t want to wake up from, one that was roused by the annoying sound of alarm clock or phone ring, one perfect moment ruined. The details and sequences of events became more muddled the more I stewed on them. What frustrated me most is that how could one dream be so perfect, make me so content, yet make absolutely no sense at all? The subtle messages that my subconscious tries to send me are often lost in translation, but maybe just this time, I realized the meaning behind the metaphors and the riddles.
In the dream, I met this man who to me was a dead-on look-alike to Mark Ruffalo. To me, he always plays the quintessential hopeless romantic, never quite that dashing, yet very down to earth. I don’t quite understand why it’s him, but I think by now I know that wasn’t an important detail. Even when I brought up that fact in the dream to him, he shook his head and simply said “no, I’m not him” with a smile on his face that felt like a friendly gesture but not warm. Naturally I was attracted to his face that reminded me of the perfect guy I imagined for myself. We met on a bus, though the destination wasn’t clear at that time. Through a series of events (the details of which I can no longer clearly recall), we became separated and by the time I found him again, I saw him at a distance and suddenly I realized that he was right, he’s nothing like Mark Ruffalo. I walked pass by him, feeling disappointed but not heartbroken. Sometime later after that, I came to meet another guy, whose face I cannot clearly remember but the distinct feeling was that he was friendly, always smiling kindly. His presence was big, warm and fuzzy. By now I realized that I was heading home, but with the bus I was riding on earlier broken down, how could I get home? He kindly offered to “fly” me and I asked him “how?” quizzically because I see no plane. He just said “hop on”. I did and the next thing I know he had taken off like superman and had turned into a goose (? or some sort of large bird). The next part seemed senseless to me as I saw that we were flying over the state of Kentucky. How did I know? There were many squared shaped restaurants with the words KFC written on them. I know that doesn’t necessarily mean it was Kentucky nor does it mean that’s all the restaurants Kentucky has (which I’m sure is sooo not true >_<, so please don’t get mad at me). The point is that we had to stop somewhere to rest or refuel, not sure. I believed we stopped by either a gas station or someone’s place that’s open to the public (like a hostel). As I walked into the place, I knocked something over and spilled it everywhere. The owners were very nice about it (I think), but I still felt terrible, so I offered to clean up, at this point, my “pilot” stepped up and offered to clean instead with a big smile on this face. At that moment, I realized that this guy was willing to do anything for me, go to any distance to make me happy…I felt so warm, the dread that came with the phone ring was so awful, I wanted to never wake up again.
After I woke up, I realized that I did not know either of the man in my dreams, by face nor by feeling, but I still felt that the dream was trying to tell me something. After retelling the dream to my friend later and then talking to my mom about my current personal relationships, suddenly I clearly saw the message. There will always be people to whom I’m attracted to at first based on superficial appearances, the front they put up, but I will never know their true selves, and the relationships will never evolve into anything passed the surface. Things are never what they seem. But then there will be those who are always ready with a warm smile and open arms and be there when I need them the most, and those are the keepers. The man who literally “carried” me through “thick and thin” in my dreams represents those who will stay in my life. Be that love or friendships or both, I think it was a valuable reminder to me to find those keepers and bring them closer to my heart.
I felt I’ve never had a clearer epiphany until this dream mystery solved itself, and I’m so happy I finally understood a small part of my subconscious. It oftens relays subtle but very powerful messages, as this dream demonstrates. I hope we can all take a moment to reevaluate our relationships and appreciate those who have made an impact on our lives. Life is too precious to waste a single moment…as I came to realize that sadly.
Oh I wish…I wish…I wish…if only wishing alone was enough to bring them closer…
Sometimes I don’t know if I should feel like an idiot for wanting to know certain things of certain people, because I don’t know if it’s too soon to know or it’s never going to be my place to know. I hate, HATE, being pushed away. It feels like the most frustrating prick, enough pain to render your heart wrenching, but not enough to make it bleed. Yes, everyone has his or her protective shell, naturally, especially if you were hurt once. I guess I’m still too naive, naive enough to believe that I can open my heart and I shall receive the same. I’ve been on the receiving end of pain, gut-wrenching pain, I think most people have one time or another. I guess only time can tell. Right now, I feel like I’m teetering and wobbling on a hair-thin rope walking towards the other end, hoping that person will meet me in the middle, or least give me encouragements that things will be alright, that I’ll be safe, as long as I look forward, as long as I look into their eyes, alas, they are looking down and not at me…
someday I’ll work up the courage to walk in step with you,
finally catching up to the briskness of your stride.
someday I’ll bravely wrap your hands in mine,
gently squeezing them for assurance.
someday I’ll stop chasing your shadows,
courageously facing your beautiful smile.
someday this’ll be love,
until then this is just…someday.