naught

As I tossed and turned in bed in an valiant effort to fall back asleep after a phone call interrupted my sleep, my conscious thoughts rush back to me to remind me why I have such a headache.   Events of late have been anything but pleasant.  I have had to put some important personal matters on hold because of other more pressing issues.  For a few days, my thoughts were taken over by the sadness of the events taking place around me, which chased my own sad thoughts out of thought-reach.  Now that other things are starting to fall in place (or just waiting to be determined), my personal matters fell right back in my lap once more.   At first it shocked me that I felt nothing…NOTHING! Not even sadness, one way or the other, I felt naught. My expected reactions concerning the personal matters should’ve been confusion, more sadness, hopelessness, etc…but NOT nothing.  As time progressed (from yesterday), the feelings have gravitated from naught to annoyance that something’s missing, but I have not a clue as to what.   I think I’ve been conditioned to be a worrywart, no matter how enjoyable life is or was at one point, my thoughts always take me away to a place shadowed by doubts as if something’s trying to deceive me by making me feel happy so I would ignore the things that would invariably cause sadness.  Does this feeling of doubt stem from dissatisfaction or simply the belief that happiness is always a short-lived moment?  I don’t know…I’ve been told to live in the moment, I guess that refers to the short-lived happy moment. *sigh* I think I need to face the real problem, a problem someone thinks I bring up because I want to pick a fight.  Like picking a bone in tofu…as the saying goes.  At least to me, it’s a very realistic problem. It’s just at the moment, because of things that take higher priority, this problem has taken a back seat or…maybe permanently. *frown* I wonder what really makes me happy…

epiphany

The dream that’s been plaguing me all day suddenly lit up like Christmas lights.  It was one of those dreams you didn’t want to wake up from, one that was roused by the annoying sound of alarm clock or phone ring, one perfect moment ruined.  The details and sequences of events became more muddled the more I stewed on them.  What frustrated me most is that how could one dream be so perfect, make me so content, yet make absolutely no sense at all?  The subtle messages that my subconscious tries to send me are often lost in translation, but maybe just this time, I realized the meaning behind the metaphors and the riddles.

In the dream, I met this man who to me was a dead-on look-alike to Mark Ruffalo. To me, he always plays the quintessential hopeless romantic, never quite that dashing, yet very down to earth.  I don’t quite understand why it’s him, but I think by now I know that wasn’t an important detail.   Even when I brought up that fact in the dream to him, he shook his head and simply said “no, I’m not him” with a smile on his face that felt like a friendly gesture but not warm.  Naturally I was attracted to his face that reminded me of the perfect guy I imagined for myself.   We met on a bus, though the destination wasn’t clear at that time.  Through a series of events (the details of which I can no longer clearly recall), we became separated and by the time I found him again, I saw him at a distance and suddenly I realized that he was right, he’s nothing like Mark Ruffalo.   I walked pass by him, feeling disappointed but not heartbroken.   Sometime later after that, I came to meet another guy, whose face I cannot clearly remember but the distinct feeling was that he was friendly, always smiling kindly.  His presence was big, warm and fuzzy.  By now I realized that I was heading home, but with the bus I was riding on earlier broken down, how could I get home?  He kindly offered to “fly” me and I asked him “how?” quizzically because I see no plane.  He just said “hop on”.  I did and the next thing I know he had taken off like superman and had turned into a goose (? or some sort of large bird).  The next part seemed senseless to me as I saw that we were flying over the state of Kentucky.  How did I know?  There were many squared shaped restaurants with the words KFC written on them.  I know that doesn’t necessarily mean it was Kentucky nor does it mean that’s all the restaurants Kentucky has (which I’m sure is sooo not true >_<, so please don’t get mad at me).   The point is that we had to stop somewhere to rest or refuel, not sure. I believed we stopped by either a gas station or someone’s place that’s open to the public (like a hostel).  As I walked into the place, I knocked something over and spilled it everywhere.  The owners were very nice about it (I think), but I still felt terrible, so I offered to clean up, at this point, my “pilot” stepped up and offered to clean instead with a big smile on this face.  At that moment, I realized that this guy was willing to do anything for me, go to any distance to make me happy…I felt so warm, the dread that came with the phone ring was so awful, I wanted to never wake up again.

After I woke up, I realized that I did not know either of the man in my dreams, by face nor by feeling, but I still felt that the dream was trying to tell me something.  After retelling the dream to my friend later and then talking to my mom about my current personal relationships, suddenly I clearly saw the message.   There will always be people to whom I’m attracted to at first based on superficial appearances, the front they put up, but I will never know their true selves, and the relationships will never evolve into anything passed the surface.  Things are never what they seem. But then there will be those who are always ready with a warm smile and open arms and be there when I need them the most, and those are the keepers.  The man who literally “carried” me through “thick and thin” in my dreams represents those who will stay in my life.   Be that love or friendships or both, I think it was a valuable reminder to me to find those keepers and bring them closer to my heart.

I felt I’ve never had a clearer epiphany until this dream mystery solved itself, and I’m so happy I finally understood a small part of my subconscious.  It oftens relays subtle but very powerful messages, as this dream demonstrates.   I hope we can all take a moment to reevaluate our relationships and appreciate those who have made an impact on our lives.  Life is too precious to waste a single moment…as I came to realize that sadly.

wishing…

Oh I wish…I wish…I wish…if only wishing alone was enough to bring them closer…
Sometimes I don’t know if I should feel like an idiot for wanting to know certain things of certain people, because I don’t know if it’s too soon to know or it’s never going to be my place to know. I hate, HATE, being pushed away. It feels like the most frustrating prick, enough pain to render your heart wrenching, but not enough to make it bleed. Yes, everyone has his or her protective shell, naturally, especially if you were hurt once. I guess I’m still too naive, naive enough to believe that I can open my heart and I shall receive the same. I’ve been on the receiving end of pain, gut-wrenching pain, I think most people have one time or another. I guess only time can tell. Right now, I feel like I’m teetering and wobbling on a hair-thin rope walking towards the other end, hoping that person will meet me in the middle, or least give me encouragements that things will be alright, that I’ll be safe, as long as I look forward, as long as I look into their eyes, alas, they are looking down and not at me…

someday…but not today

someday I’ll work up the courage to walk in step with you,

finally catching up to the briskness of your stride.

someday I’ll bravely wrap your hands in mine,

gently squeezing them for assurance.

someday I’ll stop chasing your shadows,

courageously facing your beautiful smile.

someday this’ll be love,

until then this is just…someday.

None too soon…

I felt the echo of his voice,

Vibrating the air with that solemn goodbye.

The burden I carried all long,

The inevitable end that came none too soon.

Shedding dry tears,

I bid back the harsh words.

As I turned my back,

I vowed never again.

The story has come full circle,

Nevertheless all so suddenly.

Emptiness I felt not,

For the bittersweet memories preserve me.

virtue

Patience is a learned virtue…so is forgiveness, perhaps even more potent in its degree of difficulty. How do you find it in your heart to forgive grave mistakes, the scarred past, the damaged emotions evoked. To error is to human and everyone deserves second chances. Maybe we should not be so harsh and quick to judge when we ourselves may likely one day be in the position to be forgiven, then what? Before seeking forgiveness elsewhere, we must first forgive ourselves, which may be the hardest hurdle to cross. Often in our hearts, we hold on to that acute sensation of betrayal and let it lead our lives by the pinkie. The past must not be forgotten, but at the same time it should not be put a pedestal to be forcibly worshipped to perversely hurt ourselves. Pain is not always gain…it is a precious lesson.

living in the moment…

Sometimes…don’t you just want to live vagariously? Maybe for once, lets just disobey the rules and enjoy the moment.  How far can you take that careless joy? How long can you enjoy that freedom of having no consequences? no…no, there are always consequences, however subtle, however delayed.  I’ve been wondering that lately and perhaps dabbing in the art of being vagarious.  I’m not doing anything illegal or harmful (I think), but I’ve never just “lived” for the moment and nothing else.  Sometimes I wonder if I live for other people, live as another, where my true self is buried deep beneath this facade, this life of another. I don’t mean to say you can just live at large without sparing a thought to consequences, but at the same time my life feels so restricted by the invisible boundaries that have always governed my life.  After examining both sides, I feel somewhat lost as to where does my true self lie, neither here nor there, perhaps both places at once, perhaps neither, perhaps altogether different.  For the moment, I decided to live for the moment, for myself, for the pursuit of happiness that I feel is always quite evasive, yet close within reach.

“home” home

Memorial Day holiday weekend: I’m back home for the long weekend (few precious days of no work).  Traffic wasn’t that bad now that school’s out and most people are either home or working. Also, I probably missed the peak of the downtown traffic whenever I was going through it.

I feel exhausted.  Working for 7 hours, then driving for 3 hours make a long day.  I wish I could like work more, but in the end, the only satisfaction I’m deriving from this is that I’m not being idle and I’m getting paid for my efforts.  My potentials and skills are buried, possibly forcibly ignored, I don’t quite feel the drive anymore because there are obviously no opportunities for growth despite the opposite that was said during the interview. Who ever heard of “fairness” does not work for this company.  In the end, I’m just one of many minions that just mean grunt work to the upper management, hardly worth paying attention to, much less nurture. The job market is slow, unemployment is high. Should I just go back to school? Which seems like the perfect answer to this current situation, yet is it really the wisest decision?  Many people do without higher education just fine, but I probably won’t be so lucky.

I’ve made a few good friends, which is always a positive in a seemingly hostile new environment. Relationship wise…maybe I should just throw my hands up and say “oh well”.  There are rare opportunities to go out, and when I do, it’s difficult to meet people or the environment is not conducive to more privacy.

I’m not satisfied on any level of my life right now.  Career wise, I’m only holding a “job”, most definitely not a long-term commitment. On a personal level, I’ve made some improvements with the friends I’ve gained, although I wish my social skills could help me with co-worker relationships.  After college, I thought life would start to look up, but ultimately there’s still much left to be desired.

random thoughts

Today I was a on a long drive with someone, needless to say, we had a lot of time to talk, about anything and everything. Some of the topics are still reeling in my head like stars, making me process them overtime in an attempt to understand them better.

Some things in life are perhaps inevitable: maybe we’re born (if we are so lucky), we may have joys, tears, accidents, experience births and death around us, experience passion, love, heartbreaks, time of healing which may not last long at all before another blow comes…the way we treat others, treated by others, the way we care too much (about perfectly inconsequential things) or not at all (about the things or people we should).

So we touched upon many topics, each of which gave me enough brain juice to last a while. While I’m about to embark on a new path in my life, I feel the definite anxiety and excitement that are natural in these circumstances…I’m also weary of the things good or bad that may come with it. Again, they are inevitable.

We must falter and experience the pain of life to taste the sweetness of it afterwards. We live a society guarded by social standards that box us in certain classes. Even without the supposed social classes, we are still clearly defined. We all find our roles and places in society, we all serve a purpose. Sometimes breaking out is not easy nor encouraged for we are safer in the confines of those restrictions. Are those restrictions necessary? Mayhap…because as much as we hate them, we are also protected by them in certain circumstances.

Some say marriage is a necessity, ways of reproduction, not even recreation (anymore). It is what you do when you feel like you have made something of an accomplishment of yourself, after you tied ends to the wild days of youth, and you feel like two is better than one. Such realistic and even somewhat selfish ways of looking at life seem rather…cruel and scary. Maybe I still try on to the illusion of love and marriage that come hand in hand in a neat basket, in reality I’ve known the untruth of that for a long time now, but I still can’t help but feel lost and betrayed. Something else that’s inevitable…the coming of age and loss of innocence.

I don’t feel revolted by the idea or the institution of marriage, but by the way it’s been treated by people, by the examples people have set up to teach us late comers what a bad idea it is. Any illusion of grandeur has been long dispelled by such actions. It’s hard to let them go…but I don’t think cheating myself out of reality is good either. People say everything change after you are married, which has the connotation of something bad. I sincerely hope not.

It is advisable to lose neither one’s financial freedom nor spiritual freedom after marriage. You cannot entirely rely upon another, therefore you must always retain something of yourself in case things don’t go as planned, you won’t lose yourself. The world survives on balance, a marriage is a perfect example of that. When the scale tips, chaos spread, and eventually order must be restored. No one wants to take on the whole world by him/herself, especially in a marriage.

Again, they are all just advice. When it comes reality, things are rarely so uncomplicated and lucid. Sometimes we survive on instinct alone and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel even when there are red blinking signs directing us to it.

my gender-confused cat

Ok…so today I took my cat of 4 months named “Kiki” (a name that was formed after much debate among my roommates) to the vet…AND we find out “she” is actually a “he”. Imagine my surprise! Well, “he” is a long-haired gray-white cat whom we’ve always assumed is a girl since we couldn’t locate the um…male part. My roommates and I found him in the apartment complex we were living last semester hanging by the laundry room, meowing his pitiful meow. Actually “he” has been nurtured, that’s why with all the long hair, we couldn’t tell at all even when one of my roommates claiming “he” is a girl because that she’s worked with animals so long, she’d know. Oh well…at least now we know and won’t be calling Kiki a “good girl” anymore…although there seems to be another debate rising about whether I should change his name. Couldn’t “Kiki” be an unisex/androgynous name for a feline?

On the other note, I had my first job interview today (technically it’s the 2nd interview with the same place). I had the interview before I graduated with a recruiter, after which they contacted me again asking if I’m still interested. I informed them that I was leaving for a trip to China, and after I come back I will definitely contact them again which was what I did.  While we were leaving camp this week, I received a call back from the company and set up an appointment today with the supervisor.  I spoke with the supervisor, her boss, and then boss of that boss…hehe, it took over 2 hours. Then I sat with a girl who currently has the job that I’m applying for and chatted with her about her work.  I think it was a very effective interview. Even if I don’t get the job, it’ll be good interviewing experience. I think I asked enough questions to fill an FAQ about the company. ^^